Love

This is my Trevor. We're in love.

Blarf

After six weeks of working the night shift, I am back to days. My co-worker, Rachel, went on maternity leave and I got to take over her Thursday, Friday and Saturday night shifts. I was SO EXCITED TO WORK THESE SHIFTS. 

Then I got morning sickness. It lasted all day. I threw up all day and all night long. Yum. And if I did manage to keep something in me for more than an hour, and THEN I threw up, I would get so sad for the nutrients that got away, only because I had been so hopeful that finally something would be sustaining my bod. Fetus feeding fail.

Ugh. It only lasted about a month, for which I am lucky. I lost about 10 lbs over the course of a couple weeks. The only thing I wanted to eat was generic Honeycombs. You know. Honey Buzzers. From the bag.

I just started getting some energy back this week. Glad to be feeling better, but I am so bummed that I felt the worst I have ever felt for the longest time, right in the middle of my big chance to hoard some dough for maternity leave. Sigh. I mean, I served drinks just fine, but I was not as patient as I usually am, or as peppy at 1am as I know I can normally be, or even a little bit funny. I don't think I was anybody that people wanted to be around. 

I knew going into this that I would be tired, and I would most likely get sick. Somehow I thought that I would not be AS tired or AS sick as some people get. Wrong. I have a very dear friend who said it best- Pregnancy feels like a disease. I don't think I slept as much even when I was a teenager. I have naptimes for the first time since I was 4. Scheduled hours blocked out for my daily naps. 

I think I have to let up on myself. I think I just have to be okay with realizing, for the first time, that my goals are not exactly lining up with the needs of this baby. When I can see it like that, I am sort of fine with all of my naps and Honey Buzzers. That's my job now, I guess. Mama Nessie. 

Whoa.

(This baby better reckanize when it's time for my trip to Tahoe for some DMB in my 7th month of pregnancy!)  

Finding out

I found out I was pregnant on February 22nd. I had been feeling "off." Really exhausted. Strangely, a lot of my close friends had commented about me being pregnant. Two of my friends had dreams that I was pregnant, Jenny and I had a conversation about it. Jenny and I had gone to this trampoline aerobics class (because we are really fun people), and at the end, Jenny said, "What if you're pregnant right now?" We kind of joked about it, but I thought about it a little more and took a test the next day. The test results were very faint, too faint to really read it properly, so after a few days, I bought a digital test. 

It said: PREGNANT

The results were crystal clear. I was happy. SO. HAPPY. And really scared. AND SO HAPPY. It had taken a long time. Trevor and I had been prepared for the eventuality that I might become pregnant for a lot of months. Close to a year, even. (I like to say it that way rather than saying we were "trying." I don't know if "trying" is the right word for, "Meh. We like kids. We like each other. We're in this forever. Let's see if we can't make us a baby if we use no protection at all for a long time.") 

Once I found out, I texted Trevor and asked him if he wanted to meet for lunch. I HAD to tell him. I was so excited!!! An hour later, though, sitting in Baja Fresh didn't have the right vibe I was looking for. Nothing felt right about telling Trevor he was gonna be a daddy again in that fresh mex restaurant. I started getting nervous.

 We ate lunch, me knowing I was pregnant and Trevor just enjoying his tacos like any red blooded American would. Then I went home. I had uttered not a peep. I began second guessing myself. "How do I tell him? How do you SAY this to someone? Do I do a THING? Do I create a mood? Or just say it? Is it better to set something cool up? Maybe a slideshow? HOW DO I TELL HIM???" I was nervous. I knew he would be happy, but honestly, I wasn't comfortable saying, "I'm pregnant." I don't know why! It was too grown up/clinical sounding. I was just accepting there was a baby growing in me. I needed some time before I said, "I'm pregnant." 

He got home that afternoon, and was in his generally awesome Friday mood. We were talking, laughing, having this wonderful time. I thought, "Tell him now. This is perfect. Tell him now." I kept my mouth shut. I stayed silent about it for half an hour. I acted like nothing new was in my guts that would become a human in less than a year. I don't know why! It wasn't until we got up to go get Shea from her after school club that I said, "Wait! I have to tell you something." What followed was me bumbling and not saying good words, and generally being weird. Trevor had to clarify. "Are you pregnant?" "YES." "THIS is how you tell me?" I laughed/cried/blushed. "I'VE NEVER SAID THIS TO ANYONE BEFORE!" At this point, Trevor hug tackled me and I cried weird tears that seemingly had no origin. They were just squeezing out. No stinging or warning, just ploppy tears that leaked out of my eyes.

We are happy. SO. HAPPY. Happy that I can get pregnant. Happy that we get to be in this together. Happy that we have made a baby. Happy because we know already that we are good parents together. 

Warning signs that I was pregnant:
Not being able to hug Trevor really hard at all because my chest was so sore. You know. My chest (my boobs). 
Sleeping so hard during our vacation to Big Sur. 
Falling asleep on the bar at work after my shift one night. Rachel said, "You're pregnant."

There are a million beautiful milestones to look forward to. My due date is November 7th. When the next Winter starts, I will be a mom. Thanksgiving and Christmas will be plus one. I am so over the moon to share our wonderful family with this new human! I can't even imagine.... I love the holidays so much with Shea and Sydney...and now we get to add a NEW person to include in our traditions! Oh my gosh. We are so lucky. I'm going to cry. 

And that's all for now.